Acclaimed STV wordsmith Stephen Daisley successfully predicted Irn-Bru would be taxed under the Tory government.
The RT. Hon. George Gideon Oliver Osborne revealed sugar tax would be implemented on the soft drinks industry as part of the 2016/17 budget announcement on Wednesday.
As a lowly reporter, Daisley (now STV News’ digital politics and comment editor/resident cybernat/pug overlord) foretold that Scotland would see a tax on the beloved orange drink on April 1, 2012.
He reported the levy could “raise the minimum price of a can to more than £1” and envisaged a social media backlash.
“A Facebook group entitled “Irn-Bru Gets You Through … The Misery Of A Tory Government”, playing on the soft drink’s new slogan, has already garnered 2000 ‘likes’. The hashtag #GirdersNotGideon was briefly a trending topic on Twitter in Glasgow,” Daisley wrote.
As the detailed dossier was published on April Fool’s Day, Scots failed to take this crucial premonition seriously (similar to when he predicted a Yes vote during the referendum).
On any other day Daisley’s journalistic prowess, lauded as “vile quill-and-ink nattery”, is highly respected among Scotland’s political elite.
His musings on matters of nationalism in particular are held in high regard, from the rebranding and subsequent boycott of Tunnock’s teacakes to the “incoherent hogwash” that is the contemporary Scots language.
It was therefore surprising that Daisley was actually able to decipher the prophecy four years ago, which appeared as one of the Burnistoun Boys (apparently).
Daisley explained: “I was being driven to work in my usual style (in a carriage forged from English gold, drawn by pugs sourced exclusively from That London) when I heard a voice.
“It was very faint but I was sure it said: See the UK Government, it’s pure gonnae stick a tax on Irn-Bru and stuff. Then the voice grew louder: It’s a green light, chief. Get yer gold carriage shifted.”
In an exclusive STV News interview, staffer Daisley revealed a few points on his soothsaying abilities.
Just the usual, really. Got up. Sang Rule Britannia and Jerusalem. Pledged allegiance to the International Zionist Conspiracy. Then I made some toast. (Wholemeal, I think.)
I listened to the Today programme and read Le Monde and Die Welt before ruminating on the essential emptiness of a consumption-centred existence under late capitalism. Had a cuppa.
I didn’t foresee #HunkyJim losing his constituency. Or Liz Kendall losing the Labour leadership election. Come to think of it, I’m not very good at this psychic stuff. Don’t ask me for lottery numbers.
You never know. Mhairi Black looks like she packs a good left hook. I could picture wee Stewart McDonald getting stuck in too. You know what they’re like on the south side.
You’d all love that, wouldn’t you? I can take any one of you in here. *points with half-empty tequila bottle, slouches over the bar, falls off stool*
If I did, the cybernats would just call me a “medium” and accuse me of buying my crystal balls in England. My balls are 100% Scottish.
I bloody hope so. It’s boring without a referendum. No songs, no poetry, no soap opera stars explaining the Barnett formula to us. Good times, good times.
I foresee Aidan Kerr rising to a position of great power. I then foresee him annexing Austria. I’m sure it’ll all work out OK in the end.
(Stephen Daisley was last seen feeding STV’s new politics reporter Aidan Kerr biscuits whispering soft promises of career advancement.)